A report from the front

Voice Card  -  Volume 10  -  John Card Number 24  -  Sat, Nov 18, 1989 10:59 AM

Larry observed that I seem to be thinking alot about male-female relationships these days. The subject has always fascinated me, but is ever more urgent now that I am back in the dating game.

Those of you who are happily married should get down on your knees and thank whatever higher powers seem appropriate because DATING IS HELL! And I have been venturing in to the murky depths of BLIND Dating, which is located at the bottom-most level of the inferno.

Now that I am in my thirties, I am dating the thirties crowd. As one of my dinner companions recently noted, by the time they are in their thirties everyone has "been through the mill." The women I've met have been raped, sexually molested, divorced, impregnated, seduced, and abandoned. Before I can even order a meal they are sizing me up: "And what are YOU going to do to me?"

It's been a strange couple of months:

  • One woman I met has a strict policy of "only sleeping with men she doesn't like." (She liked me very much).
  • A dead battery forced me to miss my first blind date with another woman; she showed up a brunch spot expecting a tall thin red-headed consultant named John Cartan. You can imagine what happened when she found that the man in the next booth was a tall thin red-headed consultant name John Curtin. (I'm not making this up!)
  • Then there was the woman whose old boyfriends had a habit of disappearing - her last boyfriend wound up in Antarctica!
  • I won't even mention my date with the one-eyed asthmatic who had just been released from a psych ward.
  • And I spent one afternoon at a jewelry store with a practicing witch (I'm talking covens and everything) who was buying a Christmas present for her boyfriend's wife. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!
What strikes me the most is how much FEAR there is in both men and women. We just can't seem to help hurting each other. I am astonished at the number of single women involved with married men because such relationships are "safe."

We desperately need to touch each other and yet we are AFRAID of being touched. Many women seem to seek out insensitive jerks so that when they break up they won't feel too bad. I have learned that the five most fatal words I can ever hear on a date are "You are a nice guy."

So I hope you'll bear with me as I continue with my hopeless quest to figure out what's going on here. The next contestant is an atomic physicist named Zoey who is flying in from Bell Labs this Christmas so that I can give her Poker lessons.

Wish me luck!