Computer Sex

Voice Card  -  Volume 20  -  Robert Card Number 5  -  Wed, Apr 24, 1991 7:38 PM

Although I am not the author of this, It gave me a good laugh. Thought you might enjoy it.

Here's something to brighten yourday!


Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interace with numerous input output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed that an elegant piece of hardware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user friendly. l'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delghtfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floatng point processors and enquired, "How are you Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well" she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "l'm stand-alone tonight" he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address. I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted, "8K, I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my discs. I'll park my machine cycle in your back-ground and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my firmware."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguements while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although in reality, he was analysing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine", but Mini was one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his processor module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all that he could say.

Micro soon recovered, however when she went down on the DEC and opened her device file to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No No!" she piped. "You're not shielded."

"Reset, Baby," he replied. "I've been fully debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled and can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interupt."

"No that is too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy.

Micro was locked in by this stage, and could not be turned off. But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself, "all they ever think of is hex!"