The Dark Side

Voice Card  -  Volume 31  -  Janine Card Number 8  -  Fri, Feb 4, 1994 9:13 PM

This is a response to VC 30 Yumi 10 ("My Thoughts are with you")...

Thank you, Yumi. I'm not sure this is the right place to say how I've been feeling these past months. I feel like I should be telling all of you that I'm fine and life is returning to normal. It's not.

I still do not sleep well at night. I have a constant barrage of dreams with my dad in them. Some of them feel more like visits than dreams. Some have been very spooky, and others have been full of love, but regardless, every morning I awake and am painfully reminded that he's gone forever. And forever is an awfully long time.

Several times I've had a complete lack of desire to continue living. Not really to kill myself, but more like to walk into the woods and not come back, like dying Native Americans would do (maybe it's my Cherokee blood). Often, there is nothing I can find in my life that makes me joyful.

It has been a very stressful year all around. With Eliott in the teaching credential program, we were living off of one main salary, El's two part-part-time jobs and his student loan. He was so wrapped up in his schooling, he didn't seem to be there for me emotionally. And I wasn't able to be there for him, because I was continually bursting into tears (for some reason, this would happen when I was doing mundane tasks like the dishes).

I have never felt so lethargic in my life. Getting out of bed is an accomplishment on alot of days. Of course I have to, to go to work. But I would just as soon lie in bed under our down comforter - at least there I feel somewhat safe. Each day I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of living. A functioning automaton.

Like you, Yumi, I no longer see the magic in life. My whole faith has been shattered. I used to have a spiritual (not religious) side to me, but it feels like it's gone forever, too. Life is just a series of horrible events interspersed with some good times so that we don't all commit suicide.

Now all of a sudden I have this fear that I've depressed and alienated all of you. These feelings are part of why I didn't contribute to Archipelago the last issue. I just couldn't think about anything but my dad, and I didn't want to write about what I 'm writing about now. I don't think I'll ever get over this.