This is a response to volume 3, John Card Number 31 ("Crab Summary One")...
"Put me down, you chess playing Dranubian jellyworm!"
The storm trooper was so astonished that he dropped me to the floor. Quickly I righted myself and pulled up my pants.
By now the whole room was deathly quiet. It was one thing to call someone a Dranubian jellyworm, but these crabs don't much care for chess. Something about the shape of the pieces I think. If I had said that his mother was a bletch ridden, soft shelled business girl, the trooper would have been somewhat miffed. As it was, he was livid. Heddy turned away her eyestalks in horror.
"I never did like you Tortoondian slugs," he said at last, his mandibles quivering. "Give me one good reason not to tear you into five pieces."
Ah well, thought I, in for a penny in for a zrobnik. I thrust out my chest in a way these crabs find obscene and looked him straight in the thorax.
"I doubt you could count that high."
By now the other crabs had formed a circle around us and the collective drool was forming a pool at my feet.
"All right. That's it." said the trooper. He pulled a gleaming neutralizer from his holster.
"WAIT!" I shouted. "That wouldn't prove anything. The only way to settle this thing is with a battle of wits. And if you're as stupid as I think you are, the contest I have in mind won't take long at all."
"I don't play games with two eyed freaks!" The crowd chortled.
"Well then, let's sweeten the pot a little, shall we? I'll wager my ship, my stash of clotweed, and a night with Heddy that I can make you beg for mercy before one of the suns goes down."
"A wager! A wager!" cried the crowd. These sappy crustaceans can never pass up a chance to gamble.
The trooper stuck out his eyes and almost seemed to smile.