Dueling Crab Paragraphs

Voice Card  -  Volume 7  -  Stuart Card Number 4  -  Sat, Jul 1, 1989 11:05 PM

This is a response to Vol 6 Holly 4 ("Meanwhile on a card far...")...

[Editor's note: I happened to be in the neighborhood of San Luis Obispo and dropped in on Stuart, who proposed that we answer Holly's challenge by composing a set of "Dueling Paragraphs" rapid fire. Thus the following torrent of absurdity consists of one paragraph by Stuart, one by me, another by Stuart, and so forth. We allowed ourselves five minutes apiece (but Stuart cheated). Here goes...]

"My God," shrieked Stuart in miffed surprise, "what am I doing in THIS voice card? And you, Holly, and Zagnor! Aren't you supposed to be in the other crab epic? What is going on!? Suddenly a giant hand-like claw thrust its way through the triple sided triterium shield of the space craft and shoved Stuart up against the control panel. A voice resounded out of nowhere. It belonged to the great Crabba, otherwise known as the omniscient narrator. "Shut up! You slimey, mealy mouth humanoid worm! I'm running things here! You'll do what I tell you, or else. . ."

Cartan surveyed this scene in silence, thoughtfully munching his Captain Crunch. At last he said "This reminds me of a blind date I went on once, a double date it was. In fact it was almost exactly like this except that no one was wearing pajamas and both of the girls were human. Say, Holly, do you have any more of that strangely efficacious crab potion?"

Holly poured a little dollop of potion into Cartan's outstretched hands, cooing "sure, Honey" as she did so. Cartan rubbed the pungent goo into his scalp. Suddenly, he began to march around the ship's control room like a giant toy soldier on parade. His joints seemed frozen. Then each of his freckles began to grow into armored plates until they meshed into one crab sized shell. Eye stalks sprouted out of his now shrunken eye sockets. His arms and legs recapitulated until he had three of each. But he was still skinny. Cartan looked like a scare crow crab, but at least he felt like a crab. Wow! he thought. He looked at Heddy and said "Va Va Va Voom!"

Stuart began to feel outnumbered. "This always happens to me at parties," he thought, "Odd man out." Meanwhile Holly was trying to usher little Zagnor out of the room while Heddy fiddled with the controls and hummed "Fly Me To The Moon." Cartan was waving a claw before his eyestalks, completely enraptured. "I never knew it could be like this," he murmered to no one in particular. "Oh, STUART," sang Heddy in her most seductive voice, "It's time for your MEDICINE! Don't be shy!" "You can't do this!" cried Stuart as the three crabs closed in on him. "Stay away from me! I'm a married man!" Without stopping to think he threw himself against the control panel and pulled an ominous black lever labeled "ESCAPE HATCH!"

But Stuart also accidently pressed the shift key and the clover leaf key on the control panel at the same time! This made all the difference in his escape from the dreaded crab Bacchae who were pursuing him on that ship of depravity, for not only was he ejected out of the ship, but he was allowed to escape into another dimension. Suddenly Stuart found himself in a place called Salt Lake City, at a wedding for a beautiful woman named Holly. "No crabbette is this," thought Stuart to himself, invisibly throwing out flowers to all the assembled guests. Suddenly, he was beside himself with joy.

[Editor's note: Cartan and Stuart both wish Holly a long and happy marriage!]