Voice Card  -  Volume 30  -  Yumi Card Number 3  -  Sun, Nov 21, 1993 3:45 PM

Now you are all aware of the fact that my life is in complete turmoil. I have talked to John about all that has been going on because I needed to let him know why I have been so terrible about submitting my Archipelago packet so he suggested I write a card on what I am feeling and what has been going on.

So here goes... First remember that I am doing better now, and that more than anything I do not want any pity. I guess in some ways I feel as if I am going through a post-graduate crisis. I'd love to hear if any of you have gone through similar crises, and how you dealt with them. I know about John, but then again we all know about John.

Lately, I have been feeling incredibly lonely, and I guess the thing which scares me the most is the fact that I do not believe anymore. What I mean by not believing anymore, is that I don't believe in happily every after, love, forever, or belief itself.

In many ways I think the reason I became a part of Archipelago, and friends with John was the fact that he is a hopeless, incurable romantic. Lately, with all that I have been through, I feel like that little part of me which always believed, has stopped believing. John says that this is a normal part of life's cycle, but losing that part of me even if it may be temporary still scares me.

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that I am not a bad person, and that I won't have to be alone for the rest of my life, but lately I don't care either way. I know that a few months or years from now, I will read this card and laugh, but for now, I feel as if I really don't belong anywhere and that I am lost but don't know how to find myself.

The only thing that has been keeping me going is my desire to get back into the classroom, and begin teaching. Call me selfish, but I love teaching the kids, even the rotten ones, because they make me feel good about myself.

I know that in time my depression will pass, and I look around me, and I realize that everyone else is going through things much worse than what I am going through. Still, I feel so sad and so alone.