Former Friends

Voice Card  -  Volume 22  -  Janine Card Number 6  -  Wed, Oct 30, 1991 8:30 PM

This is a response to VC 21 Yumi 10 ("Roommate Insights")...

Yumi, your situation reminded me of two such "breakups." I'll describe them briefly.

The first involved me and my friend Amy, who I'd known since we were both 12. We did just about everything together and were inseparable (sp?). One thing you must know about her is that she is prone to some pretty wild flights of fancy. During our "groupie" years, she always managed to convince herself that some famous rock star was going to marry her - I truly think she believed this. She is also an unbelievable flirt, and will give moon eyes to any male who happens to look in her general direction. Another talent is her ability to exaggerate and be overly dramatic in any given situation.

Several years later, I was living with my boyfriend at the time, Robert (that's a story in itself!), and was seeing less of her. She and I seemed to be growing apart, but I couldn't put my finger on the reason. One afternoon, she called and frantically exclaimed her apartment manager was harassing her. He had apparantly complimented her on her haircut and touched her hair. Funny, but I remembered her telling me a while ago she thought he was cute.

One thing led to another, and by the end of the week, she was convinced he was going to rape her. She wanted all her friends to help her move out THAT NIGHT to her parents' home. Rape is a very strong word - this fellow was merely flirting right back to her (a case of her over-exaggerating again). To top it off, he was a petite man and walked with a limp; she, on the other hand, works out regularly and could probably have beat the living daylights out of him if he really had been trying anything (or at least outrun him).

When my boyfriend was unable to come along due to pressing deadlines at work and school, she called and read him the riot act about how selfish he was being and that her life was in danger! At that point, I really wanted to tell her where to go, but like the good co-dependent I am, I went and helped her. I brought up how harshly she had attacked my boyfriend without any regard for his situation (he was truly upset, and I told him we'd be able to manage without him). Her reply was that it wasn't something to risk our friendship over!

I ended up writing her what she called a "scathing" letter, explaining exactly how I felt about her dramatics and offering suggestions for change or at least discussion. She sent a response which didn't even touch on anything I had written, and literally wrote off our friendship.

In retrospect, I see where I was harsh to her in my letter, yet at the same time, I think if we had a true friendship, we could have at least talked about this situation. I felt I was willing to change and she wasn't. We had obviously gone past our need for each other.

I don't know if this gives you any insight into your situation, but I've known many long-time friends who have ended up in very similar situations. If the friendship has a solid base in mutual trust and both parties are willing to admit their faults and grow, it can get past the near-breaking point. Otherwise, the fact that there really is no substance to the relationsip becomes glaringly obvious, and it disintegrates. It's like a marriage (but we'll save that for another card!!).